Goodbye

188 days USA. 

Six months.

I am home again. At home in Germany. For good.

I had such a great time in the US, really. I enjoyed the last six months. I love my host family. 

But, for whatever reason, I wasn't happy there.

Actually I already typed this post about a month ago. I am sitting here right now, in Ithaca, while my boy is sleeping and outside it's snowing. I'm waiting for my friend to come here with her babies. And I actually really want to go home. I'm only posting this when I am at home, so when you're reading this, right now, I am at home.

To be honest, I thought about quitting my Aupair job for weeks, even months. I always thought "Maybe it's getting better, maybe I'll be happier in a few weeks, maybe these feelings will pass".

So I decided to make my decision after Christmas, when I'm back in Ithaca.

I had such a great time during Christmas - at home, with my friends and family. 

And I spoke with them about my thoughts and feelings - oh Lord, we talked so much about it. And we were always turning around in circles. At the end, everybody said that I have to listen to my heart and do what's best for me.

But how was I supposed to know what's best for me?

How was I supposed to know if - maybe - it will get better? Or if it won't get better?

Believe me, I thought so much about this. 

At one point, I noticed that I only searched for arguments why I should stay there. Like, I tried to convince myself that it's okay to stay in the US. And when I was back there, after Christmas, after New Year's Eve in NYC, I recognized that it wouldn't be okay. Not for me.

It took me so long to make that decision because I always wanted to go to the US. It was my biggest dream. I was so excited and happy when I finally left Germany!

And then, I had to admit to myself that ... This American adventure doesn't make me happy. You have to understand that I am kind of disappointed in myself. I'm asking myself if I'm not strong enough to stay a year away from home. But then, it's not a challenge. I should WANT to stay here and not convince myself. And I am not homesick. I am unhappy here.

Why?

I don't even really know. I have my friends here (in the US) and this great host family and our weekend trips ... But still.

I feel like the work with the kids doesn't fulfill me. I love them, I really do. But this work is not suitable for me. I am not happy (reminder: I typed this when there was still a month in the US ahead of me). Period.

So my decision was not logical. I mean, when you see it from a logical point of view, it's actually really stupid. I earn quite a lot of money here, I have this really nice host family, great friends and I am in the freakin USA!

But: I am not happy. So, probably for the first time in my life, I made a decision that was really egoistical. I am following my heart ... I strongly believe that I will feel better at home. I know that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here every day crying because I'm so sad. It's just the overall situation. I enjoyed my time in the US. But six months is okay. It's enough. For now. Who know's, maybe I'm coming back in a few years ;)

Thank you to my host family. I know that I will always have friends in them.

Thank you to my fellow Ithaca AuPairs. You made this time so much more fun. I'm so gonna visit you in your home countries !!

Thank you to my family and friends at home, for your support and love. For welcoming me back way earlier than expected.

And to all future AuPairs: The AuPair job is great. The US is great. You will have a great time, like I did. Probably even a greater time, because you will stay longer than I did :p

But I believe that it's better for me to be at home. 

"I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring." - David Bowie